Why Modesty Scares Me
I love the modesty topic, but at the same time it scares me.
I blog about modesty, own a modest clothing company, try to implement it into my life, teach my girls to choose appropriate clothes, and mourn the lack of modesty in the world around us.
What’s so scary about that?
Modesty is just a small part of my life. If you visited with me in real life, you would discover I’m far more interested in talking about homeschooling than I am about modesty. I love thinking up new outfits, but I’m not on the cutting edge of fashion.
To me, modesty is so much more than just clothes. However I’ve seen the attitudes that modesty is extremely important to some women. Maybe this sounds familiar to you?
If someone walks into church dressed terribly immodestly, the first thought is to think about their appearance. Shouldn’t we be thinking about their heart though? Don’t they need the message of the Lord preached to them, before the message of modesty? How are they to hold the standard of modesty dear and near to their heart if they don’t hold the Lord close to their heart?
Sadly, many women are almost attacked through words at church. In most situations, it’s not your place to go confront a women about what they are wearing. If your whole church is full of women that do not care about modesty and you feel out of place, it might just be best to find another church rather then going around preaching to them.
Modesty is like a drop of sand on the beach. There are many things that have a great deal more emphasis placed on them in the scriptures than immodesty. Lying, gossip, back biting, dishonoring parents, laziness…the list could go on.
We talk all day long about how the lack of modesty is a problem. It really is. I’m not denying it. What about gossip though? Are we deeply concerned about the problem women have with gossiping? James devotes nearly an entire chapter to how dangerous the tongue is and the damage it can do. Lets be careful not to set others on fire with our tongue as we attempt to “uphold” modesty.
True modesty is a beautiful thing. Sadly, it’s also very rare, even among many women who claim to be modest. It’s not so much the way these women look – it’s their attitude. Sure, they’re necklines are high and their skirts are long; but they can often be found parading their “high” standards on chat boards and Facebook threads. They have a knack for preaching down to others and throwing scriptural references around like stones. In reality, they are the worst kind of modest – the kind that relies on outward appearances alone. It comes off as terribly hypocritical to others and does nothing to convince “immodest” women to reconsider their ways.
Let us refuse to be half-way modest. Let us allow the Lord to work a work in our hearts that will genuinely reflect in our outward appearance. And let us be kind and considerate to those who may differ with us as we try to draw them nearer, not to dressing more modestly, but to a closer walk with God.
Could not have said it better. Well done.
Amen! Very well said!
So well said!
Amen! Thank you for posting this! May the Lord help us to be modest in all areas of our life!
Beautifully said!!
Thank you for this!! Unfortunately this very issue is exactly why I’ve had to leave 2 Christian ladies Facebook groups now. Instead of focusing on the topics at hand, threads would turn into judgemental debates with women “majoring in the minors”. Very sad when a Christian group drags one down & stresses one out!
Thank you Caroline! That was very well written and a gentle reminder that it really is about our hearts!
So, so true!
Amen, Caroline. You know, when the Lord saved me at 38, i didnt have anybody telling me what to wear or not wear. But over time the Lord did a work in my heart as I spent time in His Word. Little by little i got rid of the tight and the low cut clothes. I wanted to adorn the gospel, i wanted the focus to be the Lord, not myself. It was a work from the inside out, rather than something inposed on me. And it continues today as i grow in maturity and love for Christ. Also i have noticed that it is possible to be “modest” in clothing but still draw attention to self, one way or another, whether through loudness, aggressiveness, sloppiness, trying to look frumpy, or through pride and self-righteousness, as you pointed out.. I think we need to examine ourselves about this. Modesty truly begins in the heart.
Very nicely put Caroline!
So well said. Thank you for speaking truth.
That was a great post. It is so true and so timely!
Yes and Amen! We’ve got to keep digging at the HEART of the matter.
I think this a wonderful post, and one of the reasons why I keep coming back to your blog. I do think it is one thing to tell a woman who you KNOW is a sister in Christ, that maybe her outfit is inappropriate. But, to someone you don’t know, it could be that woman’s first time in a church. Maybe she wants to know what Christ is all about. Being critical of her clothing could potentially make her shy away from the church and knowing Jesus! Change your heart and accept the Lord first, and then modesty will follow- if that makes sense!
Your blog is one of the most encouraging things I read each week. I find your gentle honesty inspiring. Thank you.
Oh thank you Jennifer! That means a lot to me.
Well said. Thank you!
This was so poignant and well written. Thank you. Also, I just visited your website and I love the clothes. I’m especially impressed by the prices… I love the clothes in some of the catalogs that we get but there is no way I’m going to pay $150 for a sweater or $78 for a top. Where do you source your clothes from? I’m always looking out for places to shop that I know the person who made it is not sitting in a sweatshop making two cents an hour. It’s hard to be a thrifty shopper and have that caveat!
Hello! Our clothes come from quite a few different places. Some of them come from the USA, others come from Mexico and overseas. If they are international it should be listed. :
Very well said Caroline! Thank you for being willing to share what God has placed on your heart. I appreciate your blog because you don’t have a “holier than thou” attitude that is unfortunately very common, even among Christian women.
Thank you. I think I’ve walked through the legalistic path and I’m just so tired of it. I’m not perfect, far from it. I just want to share what the Lord has laid on my heart.
Thank you for your post. You are wise beyond your years and a truly beautiful woman of God. I’m so thankful for your blog. I enjoy your sweet words of encouragement and your gentle words of truth (like in this post). I appreciate you sharing your heart with those of us out “here”.
Caroline, how very well written! I couldn’t agree more!!! I’m not claiming to be perfect – I have judged based on someone’s physical appearance, but it seems too often that the person I’m judging has a purer heart than I do. I’m trying to remedy that flaw of mine, and I have gotten better. Modesty is more than just an outfit, and I need to remember that. We all do.
Thank you for writing this!
Thank you for writing this! I am thankful for your blog, I pray that God will guide us in the right direction
Amen. Well said!
Hello. Where can I buy character badges? I keep getting error codes 🙁
We are about ready to launch a Character Badge website, check back soon for the details! It should redirect to the new website when it goes live.
Thank you for writing such a powerful article, Caroline. I also struggle sometimes with fearing the modesty topic; that is why I think modest fashion bloggers are so important.
Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement!
Oh my! This was right on point! I only wear skirts and do my best to be modest at all times but I know this is a problem. I’ve seen it was too often as women wear modesty as a badge of completion yet their hearts are far from modest. I’ve also seen those women who have conformed to what the pastor has taught of the peer pressure and modestly is just a material thing and never became a spiritual thing to them. As a missionary I’ve seen many women come to the field, with “standards” and then as soon as the judging eye is gone so are their standards. It’s a heart thing for sure. It can’t be beat into women it has to be a heart decision to give Christ everything including the way we dress.
Great post!!
Thanks for sharing those comments!
I think I rather sit next to a woman who looks like hooker in church than one who will gossip about me as soon as the service is over.
Amen to that, Sandi. Sometimes I “delete” the word Jesus and insert “humility” instead to drive the point home. The reason I DO that is I have been on the receiving end of someone using “Jesus” as a bludgeon to shame and judge. It’s nauseating.
I must say I am confused. How is it that any topic in the Bible is less important than another? It isn’t. God desired us to know just exactly what He wanted us to know by placing it in His Word. To say that “gossip” is more important that “modesty” is putting words in God’s mouth. Yes, the heart is the main issue with all people, however, the outside will reflect the inside. Our desire should be to see ladies and men have the right heart for the Lord so that their outside will reflect their love for Him in obeying him through modesty. To say that “modesty” isn’t important to the Christian aren’t the right words, hence my confusion.
I try to teach the younger (as instructed in Titus 2) to love the Lord, and that love will develop a desire to obey, which will lead to that person letting the Lord control their lifetime and not themselves.
The heart is the main issue when it comes to any topic in the Bible, but doesn’t make those topics less important.
I never said that gossip is more important than modesty, I said there are a great deal more scriptures written about our tongue than there are about modesty. I totally believe modesty is important, or else I would not continue to keep up a blog about modesty. 🙂 It’s just the focus that can be off balance sometimes. It can be easy to focus on outward appearance (being modest) versus other heart attitudes that the Bible talks about (like gossiping).
I agree! I have known many women who have had a great love for the Lord and not been modestly dressed. But, I always thought that it is a heart matter and that I should be praying for these women that the Lord would influence them to change the way they present themselves. And vice versa I have known some who were very modestly dressed but looked down their noses at others who were not, again a heart matter, possibly an issue of pride. Thank you for speaking on this topic..In my own “quest” for modesty I am finding I am looking for more different kinds of tops/ pants/ dresses/ skirts that can be comfy and cute but still cover me well. 🙂
Hello, Caroline. I just found your blog while researching modesty. I find that my opinion changes over time, and though I listen to my husband and value his opinion, I think about modesty more often because of my background. I read another blog post on being modest while wearing pants. There were a lot of great viewpoints, some I felt were misguided, and some I felt were plain ignorant. There, the heart was discussed as it was here. This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time and a definite area of needed improvement. I’ve never attended a church that stressed skirts, but I found myself wearing them more and more as I researched what various groups had to say on modesty. I shudder when I hear the “men should wear pants and women should wear dresses” argument. To me it shows an ignorance of history. I don’t necessarily blame these people. I blame the church leaders. If we look at the Bible, we can clearly see that God set up a hierarchy in the church. The leaders were to lead the church on spiritual matters, and that was not always heart matters. There were some very clear instructions that are just not followed today because we do not give our leaders the same authority over our lives. Why would we? This is the age of independence. If we don’t like what a pastor says, we just leave and go to another church. Maybe modesty was not discussed as much as the tongue because it was not as big of an issue then as it is today. We’re quick to take what we like from the Bible and dismiss the rest, using grace and Christian liberty as an excuse and accusing anyone who opposes your view as legalistic. I saw one such accusation on your blog from one reader to another. Legalism is attributing the breaking of the law to being a salvation issue. I didn’t see any comments that would fit that description. And yet, some aspects could be a salvation issue, for if we know something is wrong and do it anyway, it’s sin. And now we have a bigger issue — do we really know? When experts can’t agree on something, how can we know? What hope do we have when even the Holy Spirit can’t seem to agree with Himself. How many times has someone heard, “The Holy Spirit convicted me…” only to hear the opposite from another person. So how can we say either are wrong or right when it’s just a heart matter? There’s a reason we seek wisdom, knowledge, and guidance, because the heart can often not be trusted. If it were all only a heart matter, would we even need the Bible or its instructions? It seems that we are often misled by our own desires on what is popular or trending (God forbid someone dress frumpy because it’s so unfashionable. But didn’t Jews back then dress pretty frumpy according to today’s standards? Even prostitutes were covered. Are there any references to makeup in the Bible save for the one where putting it on got one a comparison to a harlot? Maybe I’ve missed it. If not, I’m wondering if we need to reevaluate what it means to be a godly woman verses a woman of society, seeking to be trendy and attractive. I’m not trying to make a judgment here. In the absence of clear teaching, I literally do not know. Much of what I implement is based on Bible teaching coupled with my husband’s opinion, early church history, and what I know of how men think. Just because one or two men in a family don’t consider jeans to be immodest doesn’t mean all or even most men think that way. I was raped as a child. In 8th grade, though I conformed to the dress code, I was sexually harassed because my clothes WERE pretty revealing and I’d been taught to not say no. My opinions are tainted by this experience, as many women’s likely are. One woman may only feel safe in jeans while another with a similar history may feel less safe because those pants make a perfect upside down V, drawing many eyes (including mine) right to the crotch. I hadn’t really given it much thought until I saw a comment on another blog. I’m so thankful to that woman for pointing that out. I realized that, for years, my eyes were drawn straight to the crotch on men’s pants. To me, this was often traumatizing, and I still have issues with men wearing pants, especially as they began as undergarments. I wish modesty issues were discussed with men as often as they are with women. I did try tunics and pants (and I still want to try to find some that work), but unless they go at least to the knee, they leave nothing to the imagination when I bend over according to my husband. But I do agree that skirts and dresses (even those claiming to be modest) can be very immodest. I always wear shorts underneath in case of wind. In Biblical times, robes were made out of heavy linen. Wind could not catch and lift hems with the same ease as with many materials used today. I have a dress made in medium weight linen and rarely have trouble with the skirt lifting like I do with knit skirts or other thin fabrics. Because of my history, I do find myself thinking on modesty issues a lot. Perhaps this has been placed on my heart by God. Perhaps it is just because of my history. But I don’t think there is anything minor about God’s word. Can anyone really major in the minors when none of God’s word is minor? Jesus does refer to some laws being “small” compared to some other things, but He tells the Pharisees to keep ALL of God’s commands, big and small, not to toss some out as minor issues. Sometimes I wonder if we are making idols out of grace and Christian liberty. If Paul sent the epistles to us now, how do you think churches would respond? He spent some pretty significant time on issues that modern Christians dismiss without much thought. Did Jesus ignore the law during His time on Earth? No, he preached that we must follow God’s (though not the Pharisees’ man-made laws). He fulfilled the law. He didn’t destroy it, or we would not preach on the Ten Commandments today. He even said He did not come to do away with the law, and yet it seems so common to hear people dismissing the law as though grace gives us special license.
Yes, my heart needs work. That’s why I want clear teaching from the Bible and its teachers. I have so much growing to do that I can’t trust my own heart, and sometimes I let myself think the Holy Spirit is leading me when maybe it’s my own heart leading me astray. I know that’s the case when I feel like pants aren’t OK one day and are the next or when I think an outfit is great one day and not the next. I definitely need to pray more. Right now, my closet is changing. I’ve noticed some things that needed to be addressed, so I ask myself, “When I bend over, how much am I showing? Is my shirt gaping? Does my hem still cover my rear and upper thighs? Is my fabric transparent (Found that out thanks to my hubby, who noticed this after I’d been wearing slightly transparent knit pants under my tunic top)? If someone were looking down on me from above (taller, I’m seated, or a picture is snapped on a carnival ride from above and then blown up larger than life on an Applebees wall) is my cleavage covered? I have a large chest, so my cleavage can be visible sometimes up to my neck. Is the fabric hugging me so tight that my bra line is visible? Are my private bits highlighted from too-tight clothing (accidental or on purpose due to fashion or maybe weight gain ). I started wearing dresses and jumpers because of these revelations and because I was tired of tugging, adjusting, checking myself in the mirror to see if nipples were poking out (sorry, but it happens! ) or pants were riding up or underwear was visible (even if just an outline ). I’ve been wishing we could all just go back to wearing robes like the ancient Jews.
I’m sorry this is so long, and I’m really not trying to be judging hypocritically (yes, we ARE called to judge one another in the church in love for the sake of correction), but saying anything these days, if it goes against another person’s feelings, usually inspires a judgment of being judgmental. And we wonder why people are so confused and so at odds in the church. We are supposed to be unified, and look at us!
Sorry for the grammar errors. I’m on a smart phone, and it’s hard for me to catch everything before I post. Plus, it’s late, I’m tired, and I’m frustrated and confused. You’d think a pastor’s wife would be less so.
I sought the Lord and he answered me, he delivered me f rom all my fears. Ps. 34:4