The Comparison Trap
We ladies seem to thrive on comparison and equality. We want to fit in and we crave approval from our friends. Some ladies are leaders, others are followers. No matter which personality you have been blessed with, it is common for a group of ladies to get together and start comparing out loud. One women shares about the wonderful things their family is doing– it might be a new schedule that is working for them, devotion time their husband started doing every evening, or the way God is leading their family to raise their children.
Suddenly, the other women feel the need to start sharing what is going on in their family. We don’t want to appear like our family is less spiritual, or that nothing special is going on in our family.
The comparison trap.
Want another word for it? Pride.
I’ve found the same thing happens when ladies start to talk about modesty. Let me tell you, I sometimes feel like I’m walking a tight rope when I write about standards of modesty. I have my own personal convictions, but that doesn’t mean that some of the things *our* family believes is what *your* family has to follow in order to be considered a family who dresses modestly.
Sometimes I’ll post a question on Facebook, and I sense the comparison trap going on. Ladies, if your family sews all your own clothing for your 10 daughters, is that a biblical rule that every other family has to do so? Conversely, if you can’t sew and think it’s crazy that people actually waste their time doing so when you can simply go to the store and purchase clothing, is there some biblical mandate that you should rant on them? Some of us love chevron skirts. Some of us hate them. I like them (though I have yet to own one!) and my sister hates them. You know what? We still love each other. 🙂
You might like to dress in Edwardian style clothes, complete with regency style gowns. I’m personally tired of dressing where I look like I’m from several era’s back. But you know what? I don’t have to wear a regency style gown to be good friends with you, and you don’t have to dress in a chevron maxi skirt to be friends with me.
How we dress is important – yes. But it is not important enough to sacrifice friendships, and to be rude online in comments we post. Your conviction might be to wear dresses all the time. I respect that, I wear them 99% of the time. But I also respect lovely, wonderful godly ladies who share that they wear pants and strive to do so modestly.
As wives and mothers we need more encouragement from each other, even in the online world where we will likely never meet anyone. True friendships can be developed. For some women, online friendships are, sadly, all they have (I strongly encourage friendships in real life if possible).
You will find me writing against bikinis, about not revealing cleavage, about mini skirts – yes. But you will not find me bashing ladies who wear pants just because I don’t. And my goal is never to sound hateful about standards I do write about. Because at some point a line does have to be set in this world where anything goes. Women have to be encouraged to consider what they wear. It is important, and it does matter.
“Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.” Psalm 34:1
“Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from trouble.” Proverbs 21:23
Agreed!
as you said, “As wives and mothers we need more encouragement from each other, even in the online world where we will likely never meet anyone.”
The only thing I can say is “AMEN”. Our desire for acceptance and value is often found in comparison. But if only we could realize that our real value is found in the fact that we are daughters of God. As for modesty, I understand more and more that outward modesty should be a reflector of our inward modesty. Our attitude, though dressing modestly, can be a counter example of what we want to show. I have met ladies who are so loving that you don’t even see that they are in pants, while I have met other ladies, claiming modesty and true christianity, who in their attitude were unchristian. My only desire and prayer is that I may reflect Jesus in character and in attitude, all the while dressing modestly.
Thank you so much for your thoughts Caroline and be blessed.
Well said, Caroline! “Tolerance” is usually preached by those who can’t tolerate someone speaking up for biblical principles.
Thank you for this. It can be too easy to let pride separate us. I really enjoy your beautiful blog.
beautifully said!!! im one of those who wears pants (and skirts too depending on a bunch of factors), and I come here to read about ways in which you have made outfits modest. sometimes, an idea for covering up cleavage etc did not dawn on me and I LOVE seeing it on here 🙂 it’s so encouraging!
Thank you for this post. Very well said. As a woman who is discerning about the whole dress/skirt vs pants it’s hard when you get bashed no matter what side the bashing is from.
Perfectly said, Caroline. Especially after the comments on my blog yesterday, I think you’re right on. There is a difference between extending grace to others and “tolerance” of immodesty that everyone *knows* is immodest–like the showing of cleavage. And yes–comparisons are usually made due to pride and not God-honoring, but seeking self.
Wonderful post, Caroline. I, also, am in the middle of a series about modesty and, so far, everyone has been civil. Like you, I don’t limit my friendships only to women who wear skirts. It grieves me that we let clothing be divisive. Thank you!
Brava! Well said Caroline!
Thank you for this post! The “comparison trap” is something that has been heavy on my heart lately as my husband and I are choosing to live our lives more conservatively than others in my family. I also see this on facebook so much and it saddens me to see how hurtful women can be over a minor issue. I am glad that you were bold and wrote this post!
Very well said! Maybe if we loved our brothers and sisters in Christ more we could discuss things without getting so huffy. Let us examine our own hearts to see whether or not we are doing things out of love for our Lord or to please others. Have a blessed day :).
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
(Psalms 19:14)
It’s also important to not judge others based on your opinion if the bible does not explicitly say so. What is considered immodest in one country is normal in another,and what is modest in another is attention getting because it’s frumpy or outlandish. I don’t judge others so long as people dress reasonably. If anybody informs my wife that she is immodest, they are overstepping their line. 😉
Very well said, Caroline! We used to live in Southern California where there are a variety of people from different countries. Many times I saw people from China, Vietnam, India, Pakistan and a variety of other countries who’s women dressed very modestly and were extremely feminine, whether they wore dresses or pants. The one distinguishing thing was that those who wore pants wore tops that covered the derriere, anywhere from below the hip area to the ankle, with many lengths inbetween. In Collen Hammond’s book Dressing With Dignity, she shares the results of some marketing research that advertising agencies did to find out men’s reaction to women wearing pants. The results were that, using modern technology, they were able to track a man’s eyes when he looked at a woman with pants. When a man looks at a woman who is wearing pants from the back, his eyes look directly at her derriere. If he looks at her from the front, his eyes went directly to her most private area and it wasn’t the bosom! If modesty is the issue, pants can be very modest, but longer tops would definitely help in this area and if made from soft, feminine materials, can add to our femininity and modesty at the same time!
Oh my goodness – I need to read up on that study, thanks for sharing! that’s scary knowing where a man’s eyes go to…
Agreed 100%!!! I have enjoyed reading all you right. Sadly I must admit I have been on both ends of the spectrum……finding myself feeling inferior and also being judged. Human nature takes over sometimes……it is constant effort to control it.
Write…….not right. Auto correct took over on my phone.
Awesomeness! I see this all too often on any female dominated site. It could be on modesty, beauty, raising children… In this “comparison trap” it ends up becoming a judgmental, holier than thou battle and is heartbreaking to watch.
What is a chevron skirt?
very well written! It is so easy to fall into that trap, not only online but also in real life. SO easy to start judging others based on what they wear (or how their housekeeping/ driving -you-name-it- is). But just because a woman wears pants doesn’t mean they are less of a godly woman. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
That was a good article. I recently have taken a lot of slack from people for the way I dress. People say to me, “You judge others for the way they dress.” and I do not. I believe in modesty but I don’t tell others what to wear. Then I turn around and someone is saying, “Why are you wearing that? You should be wearing pants. Why does you husband make you dress that way.” and I also have christians who judge me for not dressing as modest as they think I should. He doesn’t make me dress any certain way. We agree on modesty and the way I dress is a personal decision between God and I. I have wanted to say on facebook for people to stop judging me, but it would just cause problems.
Great post! So true.
I believe, from the ultra modest/ frumpy family I grow up in, and from my studies of the Bible that modesty is relative to the culture that we live in. In Roman culture it was only prostitutes that went outside with their heads uncovered. In the same way in certain Muslim and in Indian cultures it is inappropriate to go outside with head uncovered. In Indian cultures it may be culturally appropriate to wear a short shirt under your Sari where your side is revealed by the drape of the fabric. This seems immodest by US standards. But if I wore a pair of jeans or Capri shorts in an Arab nation, or my skirt were to show a bit of my ankles I would be inappropriately dressed. In certain amazon tribes, I might be a little overdressed if I ran around in my bathing suit. In the Amish community I was treated with more respect the day I had messy hair and covered my head with a scarf. When in doubt wear a little more. So ladies, let us follow the culture which we are in. When in doubt follow the rules of office attire, skim our curves not cling to them revealing every roll of fat and panty lines and too tight bras, don’t wear a white T-shirt in the rain, always wear proper underwear for the occasion. If you wear a white shirt do it with skin toned underwear. If your shirt/dress reveals more than a hint of cleavage when looking down from above cover it with a camisole or something. Skirts are to be no higher than 2 inches above the knee cap. Shorts are to be finger tip length at their highest. Midriffs ought to be covered. These are the rules of American society. Even the stars wear different gowns to a White House dinner than to a Hollywood premiere. Bikini’s are only accepted in American culture while swimming. So honor your culture by not dressing below it. It is better to be deemed frumpy than skanky. You represent Christ so fit in your culture, do not wear rags unless it is because of money restrictions, do not wear stained clothing and Show a little curve, God did give you a shape after all. Maintain a standard of modesty relative to the culture that you are in.