Another day has ended.
I think back on the day and I don’t think it was very successful. I ponder on the bad attitudes, the lack of discipline (both in my life and my children’s). Amazement over the chores that were untouched because the children ran off to something else and I didn’t have the mental energy to call them back. The dishes are not all done, the laundry is only half put away, but I’m calling it quits and I’m in bed. My body aches like it does when my adrenals are flared up.
I’m not a perfect mother on days like this. I get stressed out and irritable. I wonder why on earth I’m not more organized, why everyone online seems to have their homeschool days together and my days can be so chaotic. Out of necessity I was gathering all our tax info from two businesses to send to our accountant today, shipping orders, and potty training a child, while trying to keep schoolwork going. At the end of the day I finally hit the send button on an email to our accountant, it was a super successful potty training day, and I got half the orders shipped that I wanted to.
So why do I still feel lousy about our day?
Because I wasn’t able to speak to my children in graciousness today. My tone was frustrated. I go to bed every single night and pray for strength for the next day, desperately praying that our homeschool day will go smooth, that there will not be bad attitudes or huge interruptions. Yet everyday something seems to come up, and I feel let down.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!
In reality, days like today keep me humble and at the foot of the cross. Broken, raw, ugly, tattered and weary. In my own strength I’m a failure as a mother. Trying to run a full time business with a husband in college full time, homeschool three children, with a toddler and a baby also, in the midst of days with low energy and an aching body is, quite frankly crazy!
Snuggling my three girls-two on the outside and one on the inside!
Yet I go on. Because I have a vision before me. A deep love for my husband that motivates me to continue to be a helpmeet that provides for our family while he is in college. The knowledge that God has richly blessed him with a talent for art and graphic design and I want to see him use it for the Lord’s work while supporting our family.
Working online with Olivia in a baby sling
I go on as a mother because I see the sorrow in my children’s hearts when they witness me break down and cry in front of them. Tears of frustration over their bickering or foolishness brings a seriousness to the situation and I receive hugs and little “I’m sorry Mama” love notes. I rarely am brought to tears in front of them over a bad attitude, but sometimes the overwhelming feeling comes on so strong that I can’t stop the drops that come to my eyes.
I go on as a homeschooler because I’m passionate about teaching my children. I want a good education for them, but more then that I want to shield them from the worldly influences that are found in public (and most private) schools. As a parent I have one chance, and I’m not going to let them spend most of their waking hours being instructed by someone else. So even though there are better teachers out there, I press on. I pour myself into homeschool curriculum choices, and agonize over my child who can’t spell very well and press on. Because I don’t have a better choice then the path I’m on.
Reading together after Olivia was born
I go on as a blogger when I have writers block, and can’t think of a single thing to share with you all. My passion is modesty, homeschooling and raising a family that loves God, so I try and let those passions come through this blog to encourage you in any meager way I can. And when I feel withered up inside and think I surely can’t muster up another blog post, I whisper a prayer asking the Lord what I should share and he graciously answers me (which is how this post was birthed).
The Lord is good. Through the long weary times of life, the heartbreaks and the soul searching and the dry empty times when it feels like I have nothing left to give-the Lord continues to grant me vision and strength to go on. Day after day, even though I fail many times throughout the day, I go to bed with renewed hope for the next day.
If you are a weary, discouraged mother I pray the Lord grants you that same vision to keep pressing on. Dig in your heels a little bit harder, breath prayers all day long, and cry for vision. For the scripture is true when it says:
“Where there is no vision, the people perish; but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” Proverbs 29:18.
I firmly believe that as a mother it is critical to have a vision for raising our children. If it is a godly vision, it will sustain us and lead us forward. We need to see beyond dirty diapers and poor spelling skills. The future lies before our children, a grand and glorious future of fighting the Lord’s battle and winning many victories for HIS glory.
May we press on, you and I together – leaving the false impressions of having it all together behind and being honest and true with each other. Encouraging each other when we are weak, being sisters and friends instead of hypocritical and prideful.
The Lord is on the side of those who humbly submit themselves to him. Take courage in His strength and march on to see your vision to maturity!
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