Why I Waited For My Wedding Day For My First Kiss

I grew up believing courtship was superior to dating in terms of establishing true commitment between a man and a woman, but even as the idea of courtship was being revived during my younger years there were many different teachings floating around as to what it is.

Is it betrothal? Is it “purposeful dating”? Is a mixture of betrothal and dating?

Why I Waited For My Wedding Day For My First Kiss!

Bethrothal is obviously the strictest of all these. The parents are deeply involved in the process to the point of nearly hand selecting a mate for their child. The word is taken from the Bible and it’s presented as being the most biblical way of finding a spouse. I knew my dad would never be interested in such a process and honestly I never agreed with it. I was the one spending my life with my spouse, not my parents. 🙂

Courtship is entering a relationship with someone with the intention of marrying them. You normally spend time getting to know each other in a family setting first, and then the young man approaches the father and asks permission to court his daughter and tells him his intentions are serious. It still involves parental permission and oversight but the daughter has more input and say in the relationship.

Sean and I went through courtship with our own unique twist. Instead of getting to know each other in a family setting, it was at a college scripture study I was attending with my sister. I was still in high school and finding a spouse at the study was not something I was planning on! Sean didn’t approach my dad; my mom finally had him come over for a little chat after we had been friends for 8 months. She told him that our relationship had reached the point where either his intentions needed to be made known or we needed to take a step back in our friendship.
Why I'm Glad I Waited Until My Wedding Day To Have My First Kiss!

After Sean went home to pray about it he came back that night for dinner and we officially started our courtship. A few weeks later I left to visit my grandparents for almost a month and before I left we both told each other we were committed to this relationship for the long haul. We didn’t need more time to know that we wanted our relationship to end in marriage. I spent most of my vacation money on pre-paid phone cards to call Sean. 🙂

Growing up I attended a lot of homeschool conventions and courtship seminars so I was familiar with many of the rules: Rejecting the word boyfriend/girlfriend and being introduced as a “friend” only. Never being allowed to sit next to each other. Writing letters that had to be approved by parents before being sent. Talking on the phone with family around. Physical contact? Nothing at all until marriage. No hand holding, no putting your arm around each other, and you didn’t even dream of kissing each other until marriage.

We didn’t follow all these rules. My mom was the main parent setting the groundwork (Sean’s parents had never heard of courtship before meeting me, and my dad wasn’t terribly interested in being involved). She told Sean she trusted him to decide when he felt it was time to hold my hand, but told him she assumed we would wait until our wedding day to kiss.

Wedding PIcture

Our Wedding Day! I was 19, and Sean was 21. Yes, now I realize how young we actually looked!

We had a long courtship. It was 18 months before we were married. After six months we started holding hands and sat close to each other. Sometimes he would put his arm around me, but not often. We learned that when you are committed to marriage from the beginning, long courtships can be difficult. Physical touch is one of my love languages and I really needed some sort of physical touch in our relationship before I felt comfortable getting married so I was elated the first time he took his hand in mine.

The one rule we held absolutely firm on was no kissing until our wedding day. Sean had previously been in dating relationships and had kissed his girlfriend, but he didn’t want to have the same type of releationship with me. I had grown up dreaming of my first kiss being on my wedding day, and we were both extremely committed to waiting. While we definitely looked forward to that special moment it wasn’t a tempation that was constantly before us. We were fixed in our decision.

I’ll never forget our first kiss in front of 200 people. It was incredibly sweet, but I was so embarrassed! I wouldn’t even look at Sean for a few minutes after he kissed me! Now I look back and laugh at how silly I was, but everything was so new at the time.

Sean and Caroline

13 years later…he is still my Prince Charming!

Sean and I have talked about what guidelines we want to pass on to our own children, and waiting until your wedding day for your first kiss is definitely something we will encourage but probably will not mandate. If you are committed to staying pure until marriage, waiting for that first kiss can certainly help guarantee that will happen but we see circumstances in which kissing after engagement can be appropriate.

Let’s face it though – kissing often leads to intimacy. I’ve only ever known the freedrom that comes with marriage, kissing can safely lead to intimacy, without reserve.

While I don’t appreciate legalistic rules that have emerged from ultra conservative homeschooling families, this is one guideline Sean and I have been blessed by.

Come to my Paparazzi party! Jewelry for just $5 each!

*****I’d love to invite you to a Facebook party that I’m hosting for a friend Thursday, April 14th. Yes, that’s tomorrow night! It’s for Paparazzi, which is jewelry and accessories. Here is the best part, everything is just $5.00 each, and that includes many matching necklace and earring sets! They have super pretty headbands, and I have the wire flower earrings shown in the picture.

The Facebook party is this Thursday evening, but even if you are busy that night you can still catch up on everything the next morning! If you are interested, you can join the party here.

Just click through the link and click on the “going” button to join the event! 

Jessica always does a fun job with her parties!! I thought some of you might be interested since it’s accessories and jewelry. She will have some fun prizes throughout the party!

Paparazzi necklace!

Here is a necklace I have, and it even came with the matching earrings! I love it. It was only $5.00 for the set! 

Comments

  1. I think your point about both being committed to the same standards is the most important way to keep yourself pure before marriage. My husband and I kissed before we got married, but we were both totally committed to keeping it at that, and so that’s where it stayed. I was raised an atheist and became Christian in college, so was not at all exposed to courtship or anything in my teenage years. Maybe if I had been exposed to those ideas I would have felt differently, but as it was, I was very convicted about saving myself for my husband, but didn’t worry about kissing (once we were in a serious relationship, that is!) To me, the most important reason behind staying pure for marriage is about the sacred commitment of marriage itself, and the recognition that it’s a once in a lifetime thing, and that real can only flourish with a true and lasting commitment before God. I always flinched when I heard my friends justifying intimacy because they “loved” the person. To me, if it is real love, then you should get married, and this idea that you can fall in and out of love with different people is really a problem. I guess I agree with you that I will teach my kids about purity, but not make it a mandate. I mean, if my kids are thinking about marriage, I pray their hearts will be turned to God without us, and that they will be wise enough to make the decision for themselves!

  2. This probably veers off from the main point–but it’s really helpful as parents and children to define/clarify what courtship is in your family. We believe that the children should have a say in it as well, as Caroline is exactly right–their potential spouse is not marrying the parents (but there are many parents who choose not to see it that way). Our family has been wounded in this process, and we’re not sure what we think of courtship now. Needless to say, clarification has become really important to us as we seek the Lord’s help in healing and figuring out what’s next.

  3. Caroline, I appreciate when you post things like this that show you have definite standards, but you don’t necessarily follow the herd mentality about every little thing. You were a lovely bride, by the way!

  4. I commend you for waiting! My now husband and I certainly did kiss before our wedding, but we did not go any farther. We still wanted to remain pure. We were each other’s first kisses, which we thought was sweet and special. We met our freshman year of college but were only friends for a while, until our friends pushed us to start dating during our junior year. We got engaged during our senior year, but we were both young and had so much to do so we had a long engagement. We wanted to travel with our friends and get jobs and have time to enjoy post-graduation. I had been a student my whole life, so it was exciting to be able to have fun once I was finally through with school. It was definitely hard to be engaged for so long and to not let us push things too far, but those experiences that I had with my friends the year after I graduated college are memories I will cherish, and I’m so glad we decided to wait a little bit before marriage. It also allowed us to grow closer together, so we were more comfortable. I can’t imagine going into my wedding night without being so comfortable with him. I was already nervous, and so I was glad that we had kissed long before. For me, having my first kiss on the same day as my wedding night would have been too much for me. So, again, I’m impressed that you were able to stick to your beliefs. And, like you said, the most important thing is to thoroughly discuss boundaries with each other so that you know you’re both on the same page.

  5. My husband and I waited to kiss until we got engaged. This was something very important to him and I am glad we did it. I had been in another relationship before my husband so it wasn’t the first time I kissed someone, however, it was right for us (hubby and I ) to wait.

  6. My husband and I decided that along with physical boundaries we also wanted to set some emotional boundaries. Before we officially started dating/courting we decided to wait until we were engaged to say “I love you.” We had both said it quickly and somewhat carelessly in prior relationships and realized it was something we wanted to save for our spouse and that we truly wanted to be committed before saying those simple words that mean so much. I can’t tell you how beautiful it was when he got down on one knee to propose to me and said those 3 beautiful words!

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