Some friends were over for dinner one night, and started talking about Facebook, and the rest is history. It’s been a blessing to connect with so many lovely ladies online and form some online friendships.
But I knew I wanted boundaries. After being on Facebook for a few months I saw how quickly everyone connected with each other. I also saw the debates, the chats, the teasing, the camaraderie that can be found on Facebook. And I knew that I wanted to be careful. I didn’t want to compromise my marriage in any way on Facebook.
I’m not the typical person on Facebook that has lots of high school classmates looking them up – there were only two others in my school with me, my brother and sister. I don’t have ex-boyfriends to look up – my husband was my first and only love. But I’ve seen marriages fall apart in ways that astound me, and frankly, that scare me. I’ve seen how little things build up into big things, how slowly over time relationships can start suffering without even knowing it. Tragically, I’ve witnessed first hand separation and affairs happen in marriages that I longed to believe would be solid and rock proof. So I don’t play around with my marriage. I don’t assume that we will always be madly in love. Effort has to be applied to relationships, most of all marriages. With this belief, I decided to be careful with my marriage even on something as simple as Facebook.
A few months after joining Facebook I made a rule for myself, and four years later I still have the same rule – I do not personally friend men on Facebook. Whether they are long time friends that I consider to be more like brothers, or wonderful friends from church that are friends with as a couple, I don’t friend them. My only exception has been if a husband and wife have an account together, I still friend them because I’m friending the wife on the account. I also have friended a few men’s business pages, whether it be for religious or homeschooling purposes, but it’s not a personal page.
You might think I’m extreme, but it’s been a good rule, and one that my husband appreciates. My husband is not on Facebook, and only occasionally gets on my account to see what is going on. This rule extends out of Facebook as well, while we both freely chat with friends at church that are male and female, we don’t call up the opposite sex on the phone for friendly chats and to catch up. My husband has had opportunities to grow his business through business lunches, but it would require meeting a woman alone for lunch, so he has declined. I’m profoundly grateful for that.
When I made this rule for myself, I simply went in my account and deleted the men on my Facebook account that I was friends with, and honestly they probably didn’t even notice!
I only have one chance at my marriage. Sure, there are wonderful stories of marriages coming back together again after tragedy has struck the marriage, but the painful memories of those times would never go away. I’m far from the perfect wife, but this is an easy way for me to show my love and faithfulness to my husband.
How do you protect your marriage online? Have you created online boundaries? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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I personally don’t feel that being “friends” with men on facebook is a danger to my marriage, but I do hold that rule for real life. I have no guy friends except in couples that my husband and I are both friends with. That’s a boundary for us as well.
i greatly appreciate & respect your wise thoughts & personal boundaries on this matter. i agree in many ways, although i don’t have the rule not to be friends w/ men on fb. my male fb friends are considerably fewer than females. i have one thought, & i’d be interested in your response. my husband isn’t on fb either, & so a lot of the males that i am friends w/ are his friends. often, i’ll “help” my husband stay connected w/ his friends by sharing something i saw on fb posted by his friend. if i were not their friend, i wouldn’t have this opportunity. do you have any recommendations/suggestions about this area?
If your husband likes you helping him out this way, and is fine with it then by all means do it if your husband is grateful for it! Everyone has different husbands, and some might agree with this article and some could care less if their wives are friends with men on Facebook. I just wanted to share what I do in case it would encourage other ladies.
What a great post! My husband and I shared an account on Facebook when we first got married and then realized that we had friends on vastly different spectrums (he’s 14 years older than I) so we decided to get separate accounts. He, however, does not befriend women, and I do not befriend men. I’m so grateful for this because I don’t have to worry about him and vise versa. It’s a great way to build trust in your marriage. I also appreciate your statement that you don’t take your marriage for granted. I, too, am working on keeping myself pure within my marriage because I have seen first-hand what the effects of an affair (whether physical or emotional) can have on a marriage. Thanks for this encouragement!
Great thoughts! My husband and I initially had a seperate fb account but ended up joining them since he was getting inappropiate “friend” requests from single women that he didn’t even know. (with pictures of course. ugh.) He doesn’t get on all that much anyway but can check in if he wants. We try to be selective with who we friend and don’t mind deleting someone if there’s something we aren’t comfortable with. I think you are totally right in protecting your marriage in this way! Thanks for sharing.
I admire that your stand and courage to write about it. This is something I should ask my husband about.
Boundaries are always a good idea! Too many people think of them as rules and in some cases, legalism but they are missing out on the blessing that comes with living on the straight and narrow. Beautiful!
Thank you for sharing this principle with us…..As an older married woman, (almost 40 yrs..) we can never be too careful with how we protect our marriage and our mates. There is such freedom in having boundaries that protect us, our marriage, our families. Excellent encouragement!
Ive done this exact thing years ago:) i dnt think any woman or man should be friending opposite sex as youve pointed out above because its an invitation for them into your life that wouldnt otherwise have been there…my husband became interested in fb and we decided to share an account:)
I just cleaned my facebook due to this post.
I found most of the men on there, were people I didn’t even talk to and I knew from a lifetime ago. The only men that are on there now and family and the pastors at our church. I cherish my marriage and protect it with everything I have in life, why not online? Thank you.
I was so glad to read this post! I have the same “rule” for myself. The only “men” I friend are my relatives (grandpa–he’s the one who originally invited me to FB!, uncles, cousins, brother). It’s nice to see someone else with the same values and boundaries! I also *very, very rarely* friend anyone I don’t actually know in real life.
Oh Caroline you are so NOT extreme! That is wonderful to me. I, however, may be more extreme as I am NOT on Facebook….gasp! I don’t want to be sucked in with the whole thing. I value my time and my family and want to spend all my free time and focus on them. We’ve been married 18 years with 5 children (so far
) and just don’t have the need for it. I do enjoy blogs and pinterest when I can though.
Same rule for me! The only men friends on my facebook are those that a) friended me first and b) I talked to husband about before accepting the friend request. There have been some requests I denied because I wasn’t comfortable with it. I’m not going to let some online website be a source of contention in my marriage.
I think not having any fb male friends is a problem, to me. But as women, we are responsible for what we write or read. Asking ourselves, would my husband appreciate it? What if Jesus were looking over our shoulder? What would others think about my family from the words I write. I have learned , over the past few years, how what I write, say, read or listen to can dishonor God and hurt others. Not fun lessons to learn!
It is so important t build a hedge around your marriage. Good for you, and thanks for this post!
I am the same as the 2nd poster as in my husband told people to look me up on fb to keep up with our family because I am more active there. However, he has my password and I have his. He also has an alert on his phone that anytime I post something he gets the alert immediately. There have also been people that I talked to husband about before accepting a friend request as well.
I’m not very active on Facebook, but I do have a few “male” friends. Most are relatives (my brothers, uncles, and cousins), and some are church members (both of our pastors, for example). Neither my husband no I have any problem with this. Our pages are completely open to each other (we don’t have very many passwords and use the same ones for just about everything, including our FB pages LOL). Neither one of us have ever struggled with lust or even attraction to others (and we don’t have flirtatious natures, especially me – if there’s a term for a lack of flirtatiousness, that would be me LOL), so we are completely comfortable with our set-up. Ours isn’t right for every couple, but I think this is very much an invidiual marriage situation, rather than a one-size-fits-all scenario.
In Christ,
Melissa
So glad I’m not the only one with these ideals! Unfortunately my husband doesn’t subscribe to the same attitude as he still thinks he’s invincible and unaffected by his former schoolmates and co-workers who are single, flirtatious women. It sure scares me though, which is why I changed my behavior online – to protect our marriage, remain as pure as possible and not cause any injury to my husband.
I have the same rules. Our marriages are worth much more then risking them with an FB account. I’m only friends with people I really know.
Thanks so much for sharing this!
I made a similar rule for professional reasons. I will not friend any children under the age of 18 unless they are family. I had several of the kids I have worked with over the years ask to be my facebook friend and I’ve told them that I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. Even though there is very little on my facebook page that would be even remotely questionable (the exceptions maybe being some conversations on gun rights or gay marriage) – I don’t want to risk it. So I do not friend them. Since I’m unmarried right now and do have many guy friends on facebook (many of them married to my girl friends, also on facebook), I don’t think I would go unfriend them all if I ever get married. But I’m definitely mindful of how I interact with those gentlemen online. Thanks for sharing this!
I don’t think you’re being extreme at all. I cancelled my FB account over a year ago because I got so sick of them messing with my privacy settings at all. I find that things like facebook tempt me personally to self-centeredness too much for my own good anyway. Of course, I think FB is a great tool for business because so many people are on it.
I don’t have a facebook anymore, I actually recently wrote about it on my blog. Talk about extreme
My husband uses his to do networking for a career, but I appreciate this post.
Kate
Great post; glad you took the time to put these thoughts out there. I agree and when I’m back into my FB season (I get on only during non-homeschool months), I’m going to do some “spring cleaning” of my friends list for sure. Like one of the other people mentioned, it’s great that you mention not taking your marriage for granted. Too many people assume they’re fine and will always be fine. It’s that complacency that can lull us into ignoring warning signs; when we’re not on our guard, the Enemy can attack those weak points and take us by surprise. …Great wisdom!
Not on Facebook either. I put my face in THE Book…
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. I’m not on facebook either. I used to have it and several other social network accounts but a few months into our marriage we had a big discussion about that. Not because of male friends but because of spending too much time on it. Out of “defiance” I deleted all of my accounts… little did I know… This was 4 years ago. I apologized to my husband (back then) and I am glad I never got back on it. I wish, I would have done it with a willing heart right from the beginning but I learned a lot since then.
Interesting thoughts. We operate like that in real life. I am fb friends with many male old classmates as well as church friends and family members. And an old boyfriend who has a joint account with his wife. We parted friends. BUT (this is what I want your readers to understand) I found my mind reminiscing about those old days. He was used by God to help me to grow in my spiritual walk. Even though it was a lifetime ago and we have both raised and sent arrows out into Christ’s kingdom, I still found my thoughts thinking about that old boyfriend. I tried to ignore that it was unhealthy but I just let it lay. Since my husband & I have a very open relationship I shared with my husband that “old beau” had fb friended me. He was not pleased. Not angry, just disappointed, hurt, and jealous. Those previous relationships rear their ugly heads into my precious man’s confidence. So I “demoted” that old beau to acquaintance status, so I occasionally still see a post from he or his wife. And then I have to stop that little thought. Wouldn’t it just be easier for me to just defriend them and not have to keep keeping that in check? And why would I WANT to keep that alive when it causes bad sentiments in my true love given to me by Almighty God. I agree with you, Caroline. I hope your readers can learn from this older married lady. I’m madly in love with my hubby, more today then the 20+ years ago when we first fell in love. Don’t allow any root of ugliness to dig in to you or your marriages. And now, I’m off to do some purging.
We know each other’s passwords to everything- Facebook, email, bank accounts, cell phone unlock codes, voicemail, PIN numbers, you name it, we share it. I also don’t have any friends of the opposite sex on FB, and my opposite sex friends in real life aren’t my friends, they are hubby’s. We might meet as couples occasionally for a meal, but we aren’t calling each other to talk about the weather. Our only exception is our religious leader- if I wanted to plan a surprise for my husband I would call our religious leader and he would pass the word to hubby’s friends. My hubby would pass the word to the religious leader’s wife to get a message to my friends. The only time we keep secrets is for anniversaries etc,. and then we let each other know we are planning something special so any “sneakiness” is understood. We also make a habit of not deleting internet history- whatever I have clicked on he can see, and the same for him.
I think this is a really good post. I have a few men on my account that I also have their wife. I have a few high school or college friends that I KNOW pose no danger. I rarely post messages on their pages and they rarely post any on mine – Maybe a like to a picture of my kids being cute and something about the Lord. I admire your rule though. If one is going to add men, I think before we hit the add friend button or the confirm button, we need to give it careful thought and be very honest with ourselves about the nature of the relationship. I would never add an old boyfriend or even someone I had been slightly interested in, for example. My husband uses my computer all the time and I leave my account signed in, so he can see what is on it at all times if he wanted to. I don’t think he ever checks though, because we have been married 14 years this month and I’ve never given him any reason to be suspicious and he’s never had a jealous moment. Still, I may take another look through my list and see if there is anyone I should get rid of! Thanks again for such a well-written article!
I am protecting my marriage by having deleted my account after being on it for about 3 years. I spend much more time with my husband and kids now.
Thank you so much for this post. I have witnessed 2 friends marriages almost go to mush because old boyfriends showed up on Facebook. They were also married so 4 marriages were affected. I think we all have to be so careful in being friends with men – both online and on Facebook. Temptation comes when we least expect it so I think it is always wise to have boundaries before situations arise. Thank you for sharing your life with us. You are amazing. Bless you for being an inspiration to us all.
I only use Facebook with family and any males I have friended happen to be related to me or my son. I just don’t have many male friends anyway and whilst my husband has female friends I completely trust him. After 27 years I know he won’t wander, I make sure of that by keep our marriage fresh and pleasing to him.
We have a shared fb account, but he rarely gets on. When we opened our fb account it was so people who wanted to follow our ministry could do so and we accepted many friends. Now we have a ministry fb account and I have often thought about deleting people who I can’t remember who they are, etc. A person can NEVER be too careful in protecting their marriage. Our teenage daughter has a fb and she doesn’t accept male friends unless they are related. Even then relatives can have problems, but so far it has been ok. Thank you for this gentle reminder and I think I will go clean up our friends list!
I have the same rule about not calling males or giving my number out to males. Often I will ask if I could exchange numbers with their wives instead, which they have always agreed to. However, I do keep men’s numbers in my phone- men from my church who live nearby- because my husband is a truck driver so if something happens (flat tire, busted pipe, etc.) and I need a man to fix it I will call on them. I also have men on my facebook page- men who I went to school with, work with, etc.- but after reading your blog post I am reconsidering that. It has me thinking about the implications of it.
I did the same thing and am so excited to find I’m not the only one!
However, I did delete my account entirely recently. I realized my little ones were seeing me online more than they were having books read to them, and I just couldn’t live with that. My husband uses FB for business networking, and I’m signed into his account on my iPhone; I periodically get on to see what is happening in the world (he has lots of friends who discuss politics and social issues).
I was friends on Facebook with a man that was not a family member or co-worker. We also used to have lunch together. I never thought about him as anything other than a friend. I felt that our friendship was inappropriate, so I unfriended him and we no longer go to lunch. I never have lunch with a male coworker alone. My only male friend now is a close family friend of 35 years of my DH, BIL, and MIL.
This definitely made me and my husband both think. I’ve found Facebook to be a wonderful way to follow blogs I find enriching and also to get to know other Christian women better. I live in a fairly liberal/secular part of the country,so it’s a little harder to find like-minded women offline than it was in the community where I grew up.
However, I think you’re right about establishing boundaries. For me and my husband, we don’t have a problem with me friending men on Facebook. However, I am very mindful not to say anything on Facebook that I would not feel comfortable saying with my husband standing right there with me. And like others have commented, I don’t meet one on one with other men in real life nor would I be calling up male friends without someone else being present in the conversation.
I wish my husband was willing to go by these rules.
This is an interesting thought. My husband and I share a facebook account now, but he is on it much more than I ever am! I really only have the account so I can run my blog fan pages.
Helen
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